The Ultimate Revenge

Paul discovered that his wife was cheating on him with the neighboring guy. So he went to the guy’s wife and explained to her the situation.

“I know what we should be doing now”, she said. “Let’s take revenge on them”.

So they went to a motel together and had “revenge”

After about 10 minutes, she said, “Let’s have more revenge”, and they took “revenge again”.

After 5 times of “repeated revenge”, Paul was lying spent, and she said, “I think we should take revenge again”.

Paul replied, “Let’s forgive them….. I no more have any “Hard” feelings!”

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The feeling of Love

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, “Richness, can you take me with you?”Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. “Vanity, please help me!” “I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, “Sadness, let me go with you.” “Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.” It was an elder.

So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went his own way. Realizing how much was owed to the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who Helped me?”

“It was Time,” Knowledge answered.

“Time?” asked Love.”But why did Time help me?”

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
———-

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
———-

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
———-

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started…
———-

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
———-

A wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…
———-

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….
———-

A man and woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started….
———-

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And then the fight started….
———-

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started.

——-

An older man and woman are watching this preacher on TV…and he is healing all these people and the older couple are very impressed…at the end of the show the preacher said he wanted to heal all those at home…so he said for all those that believe put one hand on the part of your body that hurts and the other on the TV…the old woman walked up and put one hand on the TV and the other on her shoulder where she had really bad pains…the old man walked up and put one hand on the TV and the other he grabbed his ‘thang’…the old woman just kind of looked at him…and then she said honey he said he could heal the sick not raise the dead!!
And then the fight started…
——

A woman is sitting in the cool of the evening on the veranda with her husband.
Suddenly she says gently , “I love you.”
He smiles shyly, and asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?
She replies, “It’s me…………. talking to the wine.”
And then the fight started…
——-

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And then the fight started… 
——

I opened my mouth to say good morning,
…And that’s when the fight started

Ava Cowan

Ava Cowan

Claudia Sampedro

claudia-sampedro

Who’s the real boss?

A business tycoon passed away.

He left his widow 1 Billion pounds in the bank. The widow remarried one of her husband’s young employees.

The young employee said, “All this while I thought I was working for my boss. I now realize that my boss was all the time working for me!”

Sanity over insanity

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him, “Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess.”
The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will stay with you for a week.”

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will do ANYTHING you want!”

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back. Finally, the frog cried, “Boy, what is the matter, I have told you that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!”

The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, “Look, I am an engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!”

Two more aisles

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn’t have any, began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry–only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. Whereupon the mother said, “I’m Monica . . . my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

Julia Gilas

julia-gilas
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3 week diet plan

A man says to his friend, “My wife is on a 3 week diet.”

“Oh yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

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